Top ten reasons why the bible would be different if it were written by university students. 10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning, cold. 9. The Ten Commandments would be actually only five, double-spaced, and written in large font. 8. Promiscuous females would be pissed, not stoned. 7. Forbidden fruit would [...]

What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They’re totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They’re moody. [...]

It’s weird when you’re a mix. People just want to play detective with your face. Nine times out of 10, they’re polite: ‘Where are you from?’ I’m like, ‘Pittsburgh.’ They’re like, ‘Pittsburgh, right. Seriously though, where are you from?’ ‘Pittsburgh.’ Like I’m from some mutant island south of the Philippines, the island of Half Asia. It’s just me, Keanu Reeves and Tiger Woods on a beach all day playing volleyball.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. “I’m afraid I don’t have a husband” she replies. “OK Do you have a boyfriend?”, asks the Midwife. “No, no boyfriend either.” “Do you have a partner [...]

My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, ‘I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.’ And I was like, ‘No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee’s might grease the wheels a little.’

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really be ticked if it’s not ready on time.” When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, [...]

What I don’t understand is when people write letters to magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular review or how much they enjoyed a particular article, you know what I mean?… You might as well write a letter to your grocery store. ‘Dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton. It makes them a lot easier to get them home.’

Every person is a FREEDOM FIGHTER…….. Immediately after Marriage!!

Comedy crowds — we always want to come out and ask you, ‘How you feeling?’ We always say that, ‘By a round of applause, how do you feel?’ Right? ‘By a round of applause, how you feeling?’ It’s the only place in the world that you judge how you’re feeling by a round of applause… There’s never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over — ‘Ma’am! Ma’am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause — she’s not clapping!’

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you [...]